KITTENSPLODGE AND THE AWFUL CORRESPONDENCE
by Mari NessTo: Tony
From: Kittensplodge
T, the sink is growing. GROWING. I've had it. Either fix it, or get somebody to fix it, or I swear I'm going to be doing painful things to your ass that won't be leading anywhere, you get me? Now. Today. As you know, I have a whip.
love you
Kit
To: Kittenspodge
From: Tony
Growing?
love ya more
Tony
To: Tony
From: Kittensplodge
Growing. Growing a really funky glowing green color with atrocious purple spots. There was something in there that actually yelped when I poured out what was left of the coffee on it this morning.
This could have something to do with those four month old leftovers that I begged you not to put into the disposal last night. Or maybe not. I'm just saying.
*naughty kiss*
Kit
To: Kittensplodge
From: Tony
Look, I said I was sorry.
Called plumber, who can come tomorrow. Ok?
*three naughty kisses*
Love,
Tony
To: Tony
From: Kittensplodge
It's only ok if you don't mind a six-foot-tall radioactive orange green and purple sink that is now sending out tentacles and starting to take over the kitchen. I'm serious here. We have tentacles going into the cabinets. Your double-stuffed Oreo cookies are now covered with glowing green slime. (Incidentally, you might want to consider tossing them out.)
It's up to you, of course, but if you'd like to retain ownership of this kitchen, I'd get someone here within the next few hours.
Kit
To: Kittensplodge
From: Tony
Done.
*more naughty kisses*
Tony
To: Tony
From: Kittensplodge
When you said "done" did you mean "done" as in the sink is already fixed? Because I just checked, and not only is the sink starting to creep into the living room, but also, and this is the more pertinent point, no one is here to fix it.
Incidentally, and not saying this in the hopes that this might concern you in the slightest, because clearly it won't, the sink is now singing. I think it's meant to be Barry Manilow, but I'm not sure.
K
To: Kittensplodge
From: Tony
I meant that I called another plumber. Dude's on her way.
On to happier thoughts. Will you wear that black teddy for me tonight?
Lots of love,
Tony
To: Tony
From: Kittensplodge
Since the chemise (not teddy) needs to be handwashed in the sink, which has now started to spray slime throughout the living room and given me a cough, I'd have to say no.
I can't help noticing that you - and a plumber - are still absent. Are you not actually reading my e-mails?
K
To: Kittensplodge
From: Tony
Of course I'm reading your e-mails. I always read your e-mails.
Tell you what. I'll bring home some wine tonight. Any preferences?
*scurries to call a plumber again*
Love,
Tony
To: Tony
From: Kittensplodge
For wine I would suggest something that goes well with clouds of toxins and doesn't need refrigeration.
Also, the sink has found your guitar, picked it up, and has begun smashing it into the wall while crooning "Hey Jude."
It's quite a relaxing sight, actually.
K
To: Kittensplodge
From: Tony
Are you mad at me?
Incidentally, just got a tiny tiny little call from the police, something about loud thumpings and screams coming from our place along with great clouds of orange smoke billowing from the windows?
What exactly did you say to the plumber?
Tony
To: Tony
From: Kittensplodge
Ah, yes. The police. Their arrival and subsequent call to you was actually prompted by several terrified calls from the neighbors, the plumber, and me, but their arrival was considerably delayed thanks to your announcements that "She's always been totally nuts." Meanwhile, the sink has plowed into the bedroom and through the closet, incidentally removing both those shirts I begged you to throw away and those toys you keep in the closet.
I am now writing to you on my Blackberry as the plumber and I cower in the bathroom, listening to the sullen thumps of the sink as it attempts to add a rhythmic component to its rendition of Mozart's Requiem. We are preparing to flee through the window. This flight, sadly, will require both of us to step on your precious electric razor and your vibrating rubber ducky.
K
To: Kittensplodge
From: Tony
You are mad at me.
*Hugs and hugs and hugs*
**hugs again**
Lots and lots of love,
Tony.
To: Tony
From: Kittensplodge
The sink just ate the plumber.
I think we should break up.
K
THE END
Mari Ness lives in South Florida guided by the unwisdom of two cats. Her work has previously appeared in numerous print and online publications, including Reflection's Edge. She keeps a blog at mariness.livejournal.com.